Betrayal, Insecurities, and Seclusion...

This blog's been inconsistent lately...but hey... it's life. Time's too precious to be spent in front of a computer 24/7!!

Life's been a big whirlpool of things lately.... tonnes of motions, drama and insecurities. I mean there's got to be a limit for everything... but lately, it seems like conformity isn't my thing anymore. I mean I started this year wanting to change, I've been trying so hard to change. Yet, things always have a way of biting you in the ass. There's the whole thing with Joyce that happened at the beginning of the year and then now things from the past are beginning to creep up on me and I've begun to subconsciously seclude myself.... I know... if it's subconscious how can I realize it?.... Well... It's kinda like when you realize your with people whom you usually talk a lot to and somehow you just stay quiet and then after 10 minutes you just walk away. It's sad but I think the year's been a very tough one so far.... It's been really hard to 'breathe' with everything that's happening lately. I really don't know who I can trust and who I need to keep away. Somehow, everyone I thought I could trust has turned on me. Also, people around me have been less than helpful. They all seem to be trying to find faults. It's like life's turned into a big game of Politics...which I hate. From where I'm standing, I know I can't go on with so many insecurities haunting me. Yet, I feel like if I trust anyone fully, I'm somehow going to get hurt as I have so many times before. How does one live like this?

I don't know, I'm lost truthfully. It's like no matter where I turn there's a question of : "Will this person turn on me?" and every time I try to be nice to someone, a dagger goes straight into my back...and it hurts... so much. I'm feeling like Fort Nox right now. I don't know whether to open up or to keep everything in. I feel as if I'm going to explode with everything inside and it's affecting me too much. I don't realize what I'm saying anymore. I'm letting things slip which I know I'm not supposed to. It's like I need to pensieve my thoughts but I don't want to bottle up anymore. I've not gone off at anyone but my tongue's become my own worst enemy. It's like I'm living in a nutshell which I want to break but somehow am afraid to. I know I opened up to Roshan lately. But it's like I can't bring myself to tell him every detail. Truely, he's the only one I think I can trust, but everytime I turn my back, it seems like someone's trying to get me and somehow he falls in the middle. In Kelantan, I decided that I wanna be free of things like this... and I think God's testing me. I don't think I wanna do this limbo anymore. Drama is sickening me and the fact that I can't trust anyone is killing me. It's like a gun to your own head and you hear the trigger being pulled slowly back and you wait to hear if the shot is going to your head or if it's a blank.

I just realized that I don't have that one person that I trust absolutely that's near me anymore. My family's become one big mess and a blur I see in the distance. My life's like a building with no support. My Faith is like a wavering tower of cards at the moment. It's like all the clarity I gained in Kelantan just vanished. I don't really know why. But I'm sure of one thing: I don't like it...seriously, I'd rather die than live in paranoia. I really can't bring myself to do anything with anyone nowadays. It's either I'm quiet or awkward or I just don't bother. I haven't spoken to anyone about stuff that really matter in more than a month. I've been bottling it all up and I've lost my spark. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a shell. Although I've been serving to the best of my ability, I still somehow feel empty. I've always used the "cup is half full approach" to life but now it seems like it really is EMPTY. There's not much meaning to it. I remember vividly that I said this year was going to be a year of change and searching.....it truely is turning into that. But the thing is, I don't really see anything that is worth keeping anymore. It's like I've decided to dig my own grave and knock the last nail in.How do you improve a life which is so fake? I feel like the person that's been in the background. Like the life I've been living has been a total lie. I've been lying to myself, my friends and my family. In reality, I know that they don't know me and who I am. I know why I decided to be different from the rest. Truely, I didn't want to end up like them. But it seems like I've hidden everything I like: the music, the arts, the reading and I've burried it so deep that I can't see it anymore. The things that make me who I am... my definition. It's all been in a coffin in unmarked territory. To find it again, after all these years, it's hard. But when I do, I know it's right. But, the coffin isn't there anymore, it's gone. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack now. "Who am I?" - the identity I've become so comfortable with: Being the ass of every gathering; the butt of every joke - isn't me. I won't be the one to lie to myself anymore. I mean... I've gone all the way to make myself believe that my ambition is to become a teacher/lecturer and researcher..... in truth... I've always wanted to be a doctor....and thanks to Roshan- I remember that now.... but what of the others? My favorites? My goals? I can't find them anymore. Does that mean I create something new? Or do I search some more?

I've always played the defensive card with everything. It's always been: "Be the Bad guy, if they don't like you - you can't get hurt". I never once wanted to get close to anyone. Now that I'm turning 21, I feel like it's time to be my own person. But my persona has taken over... I can't do what I used to when I was 10. I can't be me. People have seen me in the persona for so long.... it's become a permanent part of my image - and I act like it doesn't matter. In truth, it does. Everytime someone says something bad about me - it's like a dagger which I planted in my chest being turned. I think the worst part is that I let it happen. No one else. I can blame the whole world - yet the fact remains: It was me....no one else. Now, that I see it.... I know I need my alone time. That's why I spent Naw-Ruz away from my family knee high in assignments and studies. I need my time to think. I need to find myself again. So please...to all of you reading this... please pray that I find myself - I fear for what I may do otherwise.....

The Environment : Comodity or Sacred Trust?

The thing about the environment is this: not many people see the urgency about it's preservation and rehabilitation. But the truth is, the situation is DIRE.

I just went to a conference called the Inter-civilizational Youth Engagement Program 2 (IYEP2). This is a conference in which Youth from all over meet to discuss and take action on the issues of the world. This time, the theme of the conference was "Green vs. Greed: Youths Reflect on the Environmental Challenge". I met a lot of people there but, most importantly, issues pertaining to the environment were discussed from 5 different aspects: Lifestyle, Education, Government, Business and Spirituality.... Yes, I said Spirituality. Amazing rite? They finally realize the need of a spiritual view of things. Love it!

Truth be told, it was an amazing learning experience for me. When the Universal House of Justice said that there were events in one's life that would increase receptivity, I never imagined it could be as simple as opening your eyes in a conference. I am still amazed by it, the fact that the people there were so open to everything! We could openly discuss religion amongst other issues. Seriously, the people there were magnificent!

We discussed all sorts of things like the Water Crisis etc. There were good and bad. But seriously, some of the speakers were really political or really pessimistic...and this coming from me....who according to Temily, is one of the most pessimistic people around! The pessimism was amazingly depressing! When we're there we want a solution, a sense of hope; not some person telling us we have to kill half the worlds population to actually save the world!

Bahá'u'lláh and 'Abdu'l-Bahá have talked about sustainable development in which there is a mutual relationship between nature and man. In my opinion,we were created more intelligent, more capable and more distinguished from nature so that we could exploit the potentialities in it. But it doesn't mean that we forget that we have to sustain it. Nature, in its essence is a reflection of the majesty, grace, loftiness and sovereignity of God. If you look at things that way then by destroying nature, we have in turn destroy the only thing in the universe that is supposed to help us by reminding us of His qualities. Not only that, if we keep going the way we are, sooner or later, the Earth is going to end up like many of the other uninhabitable planets out there. For now, we live on the only inhabitable planet and we are so blind as to exploit it without replenishing it. It's a cycle, and if we don't replenish and keep using sooner or later, there will be nothing left.

Even finding cures for diseases and new sources of nutrients etc. comes from nature. In fact, the very fundamentals of Biotechnology depend on the biodiversity of the earth! With such a dire situation in our hands, how can we not do our part? The start of anything begins with 1, not 0. We have to do our parts as individuals. Don't Sit around and wait....it's time to act.

The Vision....

"Heroes are they, O my Lord, lead them to the field of battle. Guides are they, make them to speak out with arguments and proofs. Ministering servants are they, cause them to pass round the cup that brimmeth with the wine of certitude. O my God, make them to be songsters that carol in fair gardens, make them lions that couch in the thickets, whales that plunge in the vasty deep."

‘Abdu’l-Bahá

I just got back a while ago from a meeting with the Counselor and a very knowledgeable Bahá'i from India. The session we had tonite was really uplifting. It set a clear goal for us to work to.

The discussions made it so clear and what we learned from Aunty Zeena was worth every minute of the planning and excecution that we need to do to achieve everything. With a clear vision now set to turn the Malaysian Bahá'i community ablaze, I'm sure the youth will arise. But one thing Aunty Zeena said that struck me was that we should take the elder generations as a warning. A warning of what's to come when we fail in our Divinely ordained task. She said that in a talk by the beloved Master, He asked them to teach one person a year. If they had did what He asked at that time, a community with only 500 hundred Bahá'is would have in in 2 years 2000 Bahá'is and today most probably we would be living in a peaceful world. But she said that they FAILED. Though I think it may not be 100% true. They actually paved the way for us.

Now, it falls to us. But we have a daunting task infront of us. Most probably the biggest step in achieving our goals. If the Universal House of Justice has faith in us and believes that we can do it.....the question now is.... "Will we?" .... the Divine Body has said we can... "Do we believe we can?" I do. The only thing left to do is to walk the talk and and live the life. Book 7 tells us that there are 2 parts to teaching. The "being" and the "doing".... sadly, I think it's time that we realize that it has to go hand in hand and one without the other is just a waste of time. Bottom line.... WE HAVE TO CHANGE!

I'm taking my first step.... prayers everyday at least in the mornings. It's my first step. Then I'll move on to bigger things. And I also have the Book 1 session to do with the 4 i promised by the end of this month. My plan is to take it one stage at a time. Systematically, once we have the resources then probably I'll move on to getting myself and them into the "battlefield" to ensure we move.

Life and it's lessons....So far

“I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.”

~ Rita Mero~

Lately, I've noticed that many people around me have been going through a rough patch for whatever reason. It's made me reflect and realize why I'm where I am. I've gone through my share of ups and downs and recently had a few and had to make hard choices. But seriously... I think all of the rough patches have made me a better person. Somewhat more hardcore in how I express myself but it doesn't mean the old me is gone. It's most probably that I've been through so much and know how people are and it's important to be extroverted.... it's the only way that people listen to you. It's sad, but it's true.

My sister told me that Monash University has changed me....made me colder, more fake. There may be some truth to it but I know myself. I don' t feel like I've changed. It's just that life's such that I have to put up a facade at times and there are certain people whom I cannot bring myself to forgive for what they've done. The steely exterior is one people who want to know me need to get through. Trust, love and friendships can't come so easily anymore from me. People just screw you over every time. Worst part is, some of them may be family: your own flesh and blood. But then there are those that will stand beside you through whatever, advise you, lend a shoulder when you cry and run the circumference of the earth just to hear you say "I'm OK." and see a smile on your face.

To my sister:
Sometimes it may be hard to see those people and some may give you a cold shoulder when you make mistakes but know that they love you through it all. The lessons you learn through life are not simple ones. They tear your heart and some even smash it to pieces. But it's how you deal with it that makes you stronger, builds your character and shows you where you're headed in life. Though I may be giving you the silent treatment, you will always be high up on my list. That's the same thing with mom. She's just worried. Give her time and she'll come around. Lastly, place the Faith first no matter what the situation. When Bahá'u'lláh beckons we can't say no. We have to rise and meet the Call. Remember: Work is worship, Service is prayer. But only when it's in a state of devotion and prayer. It's the only sure, fail proof way of finding out who you are and getting answers to questions you have.

“So your flesh shall be part of mine
And part of mine be yours.
Brother and sister we shall be
Whose unity endures.
Always the sister doll will cry,
Made in these careful ways,
Cry on and on,
Come back to me,
Come back, in a few days.”
~ William Empson ~

“A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all.”

~Washington Irving ~

I know I promised more when i got back on my last post....but...hell... drama's galore in my life! OMG! Drama's not leaving me alone.... OMFG! I sound so blonde....


Anyways, life's been colorful lately. Ups, downs, sideways....whatever...the rollercoaster has not stopped. I have no idea why...but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger rite? Lot's has happened since starting in Monash. Firstly, I got thru my 1st sem!! Nothing spectacular about the results but I'm happy I got through; disappointed I didn't get my Ds and HDs....(no...D's aren't a bad thing in Monash, infact, they're one of the best that come your way.)

The highs have been really uplifting... I loved helping out in the Orientation Bash for Sem 2 2008. I was head of F&B. we had a few hiccups thru it all like fires not starting, food not being prepped on time. But after learning from the mistakes, we managed to pull off the food. Many thanks go to my crew: Joanne, Tijo and Tai especially. Then, there was the whole elections thing; I wanted to run for Activities Chair but that didn't happen. So, I ran as Male Science Rep under Yung Lin. The campaigning was taxing but fun. I actually won! Hahaa!! I never expected to win.

But then there's all the drama!....which will wait for another day.... Drama's something I really wanna get over in my life. There are times when it drags you down....and being me... that's most of the time.....

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."
~ Anais Nin

OMG! The Stress!!!

Life's definitely going by....really....really...really fast! Speed of light!! OMG! I've barely had the time to breathe, chill, watch my collection of House MD, Bones, Keitai Sousakan 7 and the others that've been piling up. Assignments having pouring in like a someone just unplugged a waterfall! I mean, labs, essays, and quizes! There's no end to them!! OMG! MOre when i get back home today!

Once again...there's life...

Time's passing by and it's going by really, really fast! I've barely had the time to catch my breath! So amnythings have happened over these past few months, most I am grateful for.....others, I wished never happened....

It's been one semester since I enroled at Monash Univerisity. I've enjoyed every bit of it.... of course exams were a pain though, hopefully, I did well (or at least didn't flop in anything). Meeting new people and inviting them into my life was so new and invigorating! I really thank them, specifically, Tijo, Joanne, Kaamesh, Crystal, Peggy, Pat, Xiang Ting, Johnson, Joyce, Yung Lin, Xi Xi, Anna and Michelle; they've made things so meaningful. Nothing in life is worth living if you don't have people that you share it with. I mean, look at it this way, you can be the richest fool in the universe and yet have no happiness at all just because you have no one beside you.

And then, there's Sharmila, she's helped me tremendously, she's helped me get a part time job at her office which help immensely as I'm not so dependant on my parents for allowance and such. It's a nice feeling being independant and able to go out without worrying whether you're taxing your parents' pockets. Also, I've been working as a part time tutor at a Tuition Center, that's been really great considering I'm working with Kids and teens. Though, the owner can be a bit pushy and rigid in her manner, it's still a start to something better. I love kids and teens.

All in all, life's been good. I've loved it. More soon as I deal with teenaged problems and teenage drama (not really mine but hey...it's drama ain't it?).

Jeevs